14InAHeart

i didn't do enough to ensure death. i'm sorry. i tried. i know already that this will mean no one will ever take me seriously again. not that many did in the first place.
and i also know that this puts me in the demographic with most females. which sucks.\ because even in supposed death, i can't escape being assumed a girl.
i'll do it right this time, though. no need to stalk my page. or worry. i am NOT the kind of person that should be mourned. i'm leaving because i've already burdened enough people. please don't continue to be one of my suicide reasons even after i'm gone. do the both of us a favor. go and get yourself your favorite snack and kick back with something relaxing to do. celebrate the fact that YOU are alive.

Edite: brb, killing myself /ende dit

No one will ever love me or care. I'm just completely unlovable, and i'm so pathetic that i'm just gonna sit here and wallow about it rather than actually do something to make myself a decent person.
I'm just a complete failure. 
Gods, i hate myself. Not even doing anything to better myself. How much of a fucking asshole am i?
And i just sit here venting in journals that no one's ever going to care about and that only burden people by wasting space in their messages or somehow worrying a couple.
Like.
Fuck me. Dumbass.
I liked Death's license plate. What it did say? "BUH-BYE"? Or something like that.
Must be why i like spn so much. All the characters are so damn suicidal and at the least, uncaring of what happens to themselves, and it's just like me.
Except maybe i'm worse because they seek out sex on occasion, and while i'm sex-repulsed, i know my place better than to expect anyone to even pat my shoulder or shake my hand.
And everyone was so cute last night, sitting in each other's laps, falling asleep on each other's shoulders. 
Like, i just want a gallon of bleach inside me. Mmmmm, yeah baby.

As cute as it was, and as happy as i am for my friends, seeing everyone cuddle everyone else last night made me want to die for the first time in a month maybe. And that feeling has lasted through the night and all day today so far.

I've taken five pain pills, and i'm drinking some chloraseptic spray right now. Got my blade out too 'cause i might feel the need in a bit.

Okay, let's get two things out of the way. One, yes, i have changed nearly all of the questions on this meme. PLEASE SPREAD THIS VERSION AROUND INSTEAD. All i've changed was the gendered language that excluded nonbinary identities. Like, just, no, fuck, not everyone is a "he" or "she." One of my crushes is not, and it would be really inappropriate to refer to zir with anything but neutral language.

Anyway, besides that, yes, i have a few crushes. For one, that's not uncommon even for monoamorous people, but i'm also polyamorous anyway. Not to say that i'm in love with all of my crushes, cool? So please don't get on me for that. I never even act on any romantic type of feelings anyway and would never dream of being in a relationship with even just one person. I know my place. No one wants to date some stupid fuck who isn't even a boy or a girl.

Goodness, i've been on a crushing kick the past couple of days. Probably because one of them was realized fairly recently, so now my autism is hyper-focusing on this aspect of my life.

o1. What's the first letter of your crush's name?
V, C, M, and Z
I lied on the last one, but there are some people who might guess it by his first initial, so we'll just call him Z, okay?

o2. Are they usually at your school, your street, or both?
V: None of the above. 
C: None of the above.
M: None of the above.
Z: None of the above.

o3. Are they already close to you?
V: She was. We haven't spoken in years, and she would probably hate the person i've become.
C: Yep! Although i haven't talked to him in months because he lost my contact info, and we go to different schools now. 
M: We used to be, but ze hates me now.
Z: Somewhat. 

o4. How long have you known the person.
V: About five/six years now.
C: About three/four years.
M: About two/three, i think?
Z: A little less than almost a year. 
I actually put them in order from when i met them.

o5. Are they like your best friend or just a person?
V: We were besties.
C: He was one of my best friends. I don't think i was the same to him, but he didn't hate me.
M: We were at one holy point in time.
Z: I consider him one of my best friends, although we're not that close. Kinda similar to C.

o6. Are they cute?
V: Brown eyes for miles... She was the cutest.
C: Yeees, his face structure is quite pleasant.
M: Just seeing zir face makes my heart skip. QAQ
Z: HE HAS SUCH PETTABLE HAIR

o7. Do you stalk them?
V: Well, i have all of her old accounts and emails, etc. In case she ever comes back again. Not really stalking, though?? I'm just hoping she's alive.
C: I wouldn't be able to even if i tried. He lost my phone number. Then he lost my email. Not that i would try to stalk anyone.
M: Not stalking, but i'm trying to get out of the habit of visiting zir tumblr just to hurt myself. But i'm scared of forgetting zir.
Z: No. I can tell you where he is right now, but only because he told me.

o8. Who starts the conversations? Them or you?
V: It used to be either of us.
C: Again, either, except he would a little more often. I'm riddled with social anxiety.
M: It would be either.
Z: Either again, but i think a little more often i do.

o9. What about?
V: Well, back then, Naruto, Adventure Time, Detective Conan, a lot of fandom stuff. But other stuff too.
C: Mostly music stuff? We were in choir together. But honestly, it varied a lot.
M: A lot about writing and fanfiction - ze was my beta reader for a little while, gender things, again, a lot of other stuff.
Z: Uhhh. We like to talk about a specific person pooping. And other gross things. And Minecraft. Again, it varies.

1o. How long have you liked them?
I can't really answer this one because i can't pinpoint when for any of them.

11. Did you have any crushes before them?
V: She's the first person i ever felt true feelings for, but i did have one silly crush before her.
C: Obviously. And one person between V and C who ended up sexually assaulting me, so, ah, no.
M: Obviously.
Z: Dude.

12. What's the most awkwardest moment?
V: She said it was obvious i had a crush on her. OTL
C: I would say stupid things a lot, i dunno.
M: When ze threatened to call the police if i was feeling suicidal.
Z: I dunno. We're just so naturally awkward that nothing seems awkward.

13. What was the most fun moment?
V: Mammoth Cave! Or our cosplay visits. Or King's Island. Or...
C: The concerts!
M: Skype calls. <3
Z: Like, whenever he's around? I dunno, it's pretty funny when he gets out the text-to-speech app. And he let me touch his hair once!

14. What was the saddest moment?
V: When she moved to Germany. And when she was sad.
C: He was always busy and stressed out a lot but never really complained about much, so i dunno. 
M: The entire end of our friendship.
Z: I don't like to see him sad. 

15. Are they a perv?
V: Pfft, in a way.
C: He didn't act like one.
M: Ze's some sort of greysexual anyway?
Z: Doesn't act like an actual perv, but we both enjoy gross humor.

16. Do they curse a lot?
V: Last i knew, she was reluctant to but had a couple times.
C: No, but he did curse.
M: No, but ze did curse.
Z: No, but he has before?

17. Do you know their friends?
V: I knew her best friend and girlfriend. And some friends at school.
C: I knew some of the friends he had at school, but not nearly all of them.
M: No. But one of them is Mary Poppins.
Z: Yes, i think.

18. Are you in different 'cliques'?
What.

19. What would you do if you were separated?
V: Yep.
C: Yep.
M: Ha.
Z: Text him.

2o. Do you plan on confessing to them?
V: Already have.
C: HECK NO, HE STRAIGHT
M: Already have.
Z: HE ALSO PROBABLY STRAIGHT FOOL (I also just wouldn't anyway, though.)

21. How do you plan on having that 'romantic kiss'?
I don't 

22. HAVE you ever kissed them?
NOPE

23. Did they ever give you a present?
V: Art. <3 
C: Not that i remember... I should probably remember.
M: Yes.
Z: No.

24. Did you ever give them a present?
V: Yes. Art and a hoodie.
C: I might have??
M: I wrote things for zir.
Z: I give him candy.

25. Have you ever felt so jealous of a person close to him?
V: Yes. But i know it was for no good reason. She's perfect for her.
C: Yeah, a little, but, like, they were close friend-wise.
M: A little. Same as above.
Z: Same as above.

25. Did you ever think they were jealous of another person for you?
No.

26. Have you ever danced?
V: Yes, actually.
C: I'm pretty sure not. But we did random duets and collaborations with others.
M: No.
Z: No. But we beatbox together?

27. Have they ever comforted you when you were down?
V: Yes.
C: Without knowing.
M: Yes.
Z: Yes.

28. Have you ever comforted them?
I've tried with all. I can't speak for how effective it was.

29. Did they ever fight with someone over you?
No.

3o. Did you ever fight over them with someone?
No.

31. Are you blushing embarassed whenever your friends tease you about them?
V: No.
C: No. 
M: YES.
Z: No. None of my friends know.

32. Who knows you like them?
V: My family.
C: A few close friends who have never met him.
M: Everyone close to me.
Z: Me, myself, and i (DON'T SEE EYE TO EYE ME MYSELF AND I DON'T GET ALOOONG)

33. Do you have a current datemate right now?
No. ;A;

34. Does your crush know you have a datemate?
I'm single foreverrrr

35. Did you two ever date each other?
V: No.
C: No.
M: We discussed it, but no.
Z: No.

36. If you were to have a dance with them, like in a ballroom kinda thing, what would you wear?
V: I'd wear something super formal. Maybe my green, beaded dress?
C: A white dress shirt with the sleeves cut off and a waist coat over it. With suit pants.
M: A less formal dress. Possibly my black floral print one.
Z: Dude, we'd both wear sweats.

37. What would they be wearing?
Whatever they want. But i highly doubt any of them would agree to go with me at all.

38. How do you plan on confessing to them?
Either, i already have, or i don't plan on it at all.

39. If you had children, what would you name them?
I'm not having children.

4o. Have you ever dreamed or day dreamed about them?
I have dreams about all of them constantly.

41. If they ever had to rescue you, what would you like to be rescued from?
Uhhhh, this is a weird one.
V: Having no one to play with my hair.
C: Hymnicide.
M: Anything but suicide, man.
Z: Diarrhea.

42. Would your parents approve?
V: They didn't.
C: They're wary of him.
M: They did.
Z: They would.

43. Do their parents approve of you?
V: Probably not.
C: I dunno.
M: Zir mom seemed nice to me. Despite the constant misgendering.
Z: Dunno. His mom sounds craaazy.

44. If you died and stayed on earth as a ghost, what would you do?
I'd party it up, man.

45. What's the sweetest thing they've ever done for you?
BEEN IN MY LIFE QAQ

46. Has they ever saved you before?
V: From suicide.
C: No.
M: From suicide.
Z: No.

47. Do you guys share the same interests?
V: We did. We probably don't anymore.
C: A lot.
M: A few.
Z: A few.

48. If you two were to get married, who'd be your maid of honor?
Uhhhhhhuuhhahahahaaa

49. Have they ever insulted you?
V: Yes. 
C: No. He's misgendered me, but i hadn't come out yet. XD
M: Yes. Not on purpose.
Z: No.

I'm also curious, based on these answers, which of my crushes you guys would consider most shippable with me? Not that i expect any answers. I'm just being a selfish attention hog today.

I'm ready to die now.